Update (Taken from my MySpace Blog)

Some of you may have noticed how anti-social I've been lately. Or not. That's perfectly fine too. :) My mom and I have recently found out that we have a very high rating of mold in our apartment. The landlord has been pretty much ignoring it but finally said that they'll replace the carpet in the living room and fix under the sink where it's the worst. However that's not going to get rid of the mold. It's a temporary fix and unless they do something to the subflooring too, we'll still have mold and it'll come back. But until we can move and get legal aid involved, it'll have to do. We don't have the money to move and there aren't many places available around here right now either. Mom just found out she has an immune deficiency, which isn't helping, and since it's genetic, I'm going to have a blood test to determine if I have the same thing.

We've lived here for almost nine years and I don't know how long we've had the mold exactly, an area in the living room has been mildewy smelling for probably five or six years. I've never had much energy and always thought it was allergies, but since I've been having shots, it really hasn't helped and I am allergic to the two molds we do have. So no wonder. Then I was diagnosed with depression and now my instinct is that I don't have depression, which would explain why Cymbalta hasn't been working for me and if I take a higher dose, it gives me side effects.

In the last year, year and a half, my attention has deteriorated, I find it hard to concentrate on stupid television shows it's so bad, I can't read (which is a nightmare since I've always been a bookworm), I can't remember words, phrases, what I was going to say a second ago, what I was going to do a second ago, even my long-term memory has been affected, I'm tired all the time, have lack of energy, sleep problems where I stay up for long periods of time, sleep for a couple hours, stay up for hours again and then after a few days just crash for close to a day. I've had other things too but I can't remember them either. All these can be caused by many things, so it's no wonder I was diagnosed depressed. But my gut tells me it's the mold. Right now I'm dizzy and that's happened a few times these past few days. Has to be the mold because there's nothing else it could be. The sad thing is I'm too tired to go out and by staying in I'm getting worse and worse. It's a lose-lose situation. I think it's also affected my trichotillomania too. Ugh.

It's just so sad how it's caused so much trouble in my life. I had to drop so many classes that my financial aid was almost taken away. So I have to be sure that I'm up to taking classes when I finally get better because I'm going to be watched closely, which is close to how they put it. My education has been put on hold indefinitely for now. Gosh, I'm twenty-five and I feel like I'm never going to get anywhere in my life. It makes me wonder if we had lived somewhere else in the last few years if I would be done with college by now and have a job. Or at least be close to it. Sometimes I just want to lie and say I'm nineteen when someone asks. lol Then I won't feel so bad about where I am in life. My best friend is going through a mid-twenties crisis, and I think I am too. Although I've felt this way since I was twenty, although it wasn't as bad then. I felt I still had time, now I don't know.

I wonder if it has anything to do with my two cats' deaths. Who knows? Nothing I can prove or even do anything about. I do feel guilty though. It's not only affecting our lives, but also our cats. I want to move so badly. I hate it here. It's a low-income apartment complex and the people moving in have been getting worse and worse. Not to mention there have been more kids too, and no offense to those with children, but I really dislike them. At least the loud, obnoxious, nosy kids. I know if I live long enough, I'm going to be that scary, witchy, cat lady that the children dare each other to go and knock on the door. lol I'm serious though, they are really nosy, but so is everybody here. Mind your own d@mn business will you? Like I want or need to be watched taking out my darned trash?! Drives me nuts.

On a completely different note, I've been really interested in crafty things. Crochet is one of the only things that can keep my attention and it does keep me from pulling my hair out. Not that I've stopped doing that since the top of my head is almost completely bald but I know I'd be even worse without yarn and a hook. So anyway, I've wanted to expand doing other things too and have been finding some really interesting projects. The only problem is with the ones I most want to do, I don't have the money to buy things for 'em. Luckily I do have some things to do other crafts and I'm really enjoying looking at recycling crafts people have done. They are so creative and it reminds me how I used to be. I used to love to draw, write poetry, make crafty things, and all this other stuff I haven't done for years, (and back to the mold again), makes me think that the mold has zapped my creativity too. Arglebargle, what a nightmare. At least I think by looking at what others have done, that it'll help my creative juices maybe not flow, but trickle a little. :P One can only hope!

Okay, well I guess that's all I really have to say right now. Hope everyone else's life is better than mine, I really do.